I Don't Know

 It’s almost 2 AM, and I can’t sleep. I’m watching a rabbi on YouTube–taking a break from Christianity. Judaism brings me much more comfort, mostly because it seems more logical and there’s no threat of eternal torment. It’s not a sin to be gay, and the prohibited actions vary according to rabbinical interpretation. Even the most Orthodox view claims the punishment for homosexual activity is to be reincarnated as a barren female who is unable to give birth without great merit. I’m fine with that, although since I’m celebate now, I probably have nothing to worry about according to them. I recently asked Chabad–an Orthodox movement–about whether or not it’s okay to cuddle with a guy, and I’m waiting on a response. I hope it is. I mean, I’m pretty sure King David and Jonathan did more than cuddle, according to the account of their relationship in Samuel.

Oh, I also realized again that the resonance feeling I get isn’t the Spirit of Truth after it “told” me that my boyfriend had died when I hadn’t heard from him in a couple days. He didn’t, though, and I rebuked it. I think it might just be some strange neurological phenomenon or something akin to goosebumps, but for whatever reason I experience it differently–internally–compared to how I experienced it before.

So now the only reasons I have to believe in God are the synchronicities I’ve experienced–which could’ve been delusions or coincidences–same with the visions. And the mathematical constants seemingly encoded into the Bible are the only possible concrete evidence, although that could be a coincidence as well.

My childhood best friend–my only friend back then–has been trying to convince me to accept Jesus and try not to be gay. At least he started talking to me again, though. He abandoned me when I was young when everyone started calling me queer. Sometimes I want to call him out for making me take off all my clothes and run around the cabin naked, but I haven’t.

If there is a God, I really want to be good in their eyes. I want them to love me. I’ve seriously considered converting to Judaism because it seems they’re much more detailed and objective when it comes to serving God. Christianity is very vague.

Oh yeah, my “friend” insists that Jesus is God, which of course is a popular belief in Christianity. I don’t really understand that, though. He always refers to God as his father. He cries out to him on the cross. Even Paul says that Jesus sits at his right hand. So to think that they are the same being doesn’t make sense at all. A lot of popular Christianity doesn’t make sense at all. The Bible is full of contradictions. My favorite is the account of Jesus obtaining a donkey. In three of the gospels, it says he rides on just one of them, but in Matthew it interprets the Zechariah prophecy a little too literally, and Jesus apparently rides on both a donkey and its foal at the same time. That’s quite a humorous feat.

I suppose I’ll try to get some sleep now–or maybe write a song. Who knows? I wish I had some sort of substance to fill this void I’m experiencing, but I don’t. Maybe it’s God-shaped or maybe it’s love-shaped. I know they say God is love, but it seems like he would be more than that. I don’t know. That’s my final answer to most questions regarding theology–"I don’t know”. Maybe that’ll change one day. I don’t know.